I write this blog for no other reason than personal enjoyment. I like to write. It’s always been my favorite way to express myself. As a kid, I’d make journals and storybooks, all self published (by hand).

When I got a little older, I learned that my mom was an acclaimed poet, which inspired me to try poetry too. As a teen, I wrote hundreds of pages of poetry, and was an intense journaler at that time, as well.

It seems like such a small part of my life now, but before cycles of depression and unhealthy coping mechanisms took root, I was writing often. It’s how I dealt with my most difficult adolescent experiences. It helped me to release some of the pain I felt.

Writing has always felt like a very personal outlet to me. It was never something that I felt comfortable with sharing. Maybe on occasion, I’d post something online, or show a poem to a friend, but even then, it was rare. It’s too vulnerable, like giving someone an opportunity to hear what goes on in my mind.

I also sometimes feel like I’m not a good enough writer to share. I’ve felt like that a lot, especially when I was younger. I couldn’t fathom back then that I might improve with practice. I also didn’t realize that no one needs talent or approval to keep creating.

Ultimately it was fear that prevented me from pursuing writing. I have a long list of reasons or excuses that I could cite for giving up. Don’t we all? They’re all hella valid, but I don’t think a post about that serves me or anyone reading.

I suppose that there were other lessons to learn and wounds to heal before I could find it in me to believe in my own art.

Vulnerability is Very Scary

When you write about your authentic feelings and experiences, and when you express your truth in your art, sharing it is an incredibly vulnerable feeling. Too vulnerable. Being stuck in my fear was never my intention. It just happened. The idea of being seen was too much for me because I was convinced that I’d be rejected or ridiculed.

It’s so much easier to hide. To reinforce the fear. For years, up until very recently, I’ve jokingly said that I write “bad poetry” for fun. Of course, I’d never give anyone the chance to read some and decide for themselves. I’m not that snarky, I just wanted to beat everyone to the punch.

I’d insult myself instead of admitting that some of my writing is messy. It isn’t exceptional. Some of my poems reflect feelings and experiences that I’m not proud of. Some are packed with difficult memories.

Sometimes, it’s intense. It’s too much. Most of the time it’s all very “try-hard.” It’s effort. The idea that effort is something to be ashamed of is ridiculous. It isn’t lame to try! But try telling the younger me that. Try telling her anything. Good luck!

Rejecting Myself on Your Behalf

Rejection was something that I’d often create on my own. No need to submit myself to the public for scrutiny, I didn’t hold back on scrutinizing my own art and comparing it to the work of others. I’ve written or created things and then immediately picked it apart.

I was often practicing negative self talk, and calling it “editing.” This is always done with the hope of making my writing better, and in an attempt to anticipate and avoid criticism. I failed to notice how I was internalizing all of the self-depracation.

By the end of it, I’d find myself thinking, “Why bother? Is this thing even post worthy? Am I post worthy?” No. I suppose that for a long time, I had decided that I wasn’t. Sooner or later, I would decide to not share.

Even as I outgrew my daily writing practices, I held onto my reluctance to share anything I’d written. I had low self esteem, and I worried that if people saw me authentically, or if they could see what an unskilled writer I was, I might not be loved.

I was afraid. I still am afraid, even as I continue to work on myself. Fear is an interesting thing. It’s often self imposed, but knowing that doesn’t always help to overcome it. I’ve found that when you can’t overcome your fear, you have to simply accept it and move forward.

Letting Go of Fear

I’ve decided that sharing anything that we create is scary, but that’s not a good reason to keep ourselves contained. We are creative beings, and self expression can be freeing and fun.

For me, art is about expression. While the truth can set us free, it is not always the easiest thing to speak on. Art is an opportunity to release it in a way that makes us feel strong, and empowered. It can be an expression of pure joy, but it’s sometimes about turning an ugly feeling into something that is beautiful in spite of itself, or at least turning it into something that has a purpose.

So we share our art; little bits of our heart. When we are creating, we are giving tiny births, and trusting the world to treat it with kindness. It’s scary because we know that the world can be an unkind place.

We constantly forget: when we are sharing something true with the world, it is bound to resonate with someone.

Sharing our truth in a world of full of lies is radical, and when we do it out loud, we empower others to do it too. Radical vulnerability is not what we see most commonly modeled for us in the world of social media, but why not try to change that?

An Abuse of Creative Power

Over time, as I’ve worked and grown to manage the depression and self esteem issues that have held me back, I’ve realized that there is only one person who has ever bullied me into stopping what I enjoy, and that has been me. I’m the one who tells myself that no one wants to see it. I’m the one who decides to not share, or worse, to not bother creating anything at all.

That fear is something that I’ve created for myself out of thin air. I used my own magic, my power of creation and imagination to my own detriment. It’s easy to do nothing. It’s easy as hell to never share, but why not do the things that make us happy? As long as we each have our own opinions, criticism is unavoidable anyway.

I want to write my thoughts and feelings out. I want to share my experiences with people. I want people to read what I write. I want to be free to create, and not to feel obligated to be extremely organized and cohesive.

Of course I’d love to create something awesome, but for now I need to remember that I don’t need to have a reason to create. I don’t have to have talent, or skill. I just have to have my mind and a medium, and I do.

And yet, as I hard as I try to ignore other people’s opinions of me, there is still a small part of me who just wants to be loved. A part of me wants my writing to be appreciated and complimented, or not read at all. This small part of me still craves validation from other people. Whenever I notice, I send that part of myself love. She’s still healing.

I’ve had to work a lot on self-differentiation, and not giving so much focus to other people’s opinions of me. It’s a daily practice, but it does seem to get easier with age. I’ve had to remind myself again and again that no one can know me as deeply as I know myself.

I’ve had to disengage with how I will be received. Concerning myself with that can be stifling. Every other person’s opinion will be completely entangled in their own perception and life experience. That information is really not my business. Who I know myself to be is what matters.

I still feel the fear to create and share. Luckily, I’m aware that it’s something that I generate in my own mind. I know that I can change my thoughts at any moment. With affirmations, creative visualization, and positive self-talk, I can also re-program the way that I see myself.

Authenticity is Key

The freedom to create also comes with the responsibility to be authentic. This is my opinion, because I think that our genuine experiences have wisdom and purpose within our lives. When we share those stories, or share our honest emotions with the world, we invite others to feel it with us.

Why should we inflict our experiences and emotions onto others? Because people need to know. We need to see and share the ways in which we all live the same stories, told in different worlds, with different characters. We need to experience the ways in which we all feel the same feelings, even if in our own unique ways.

Witnessing someone else’s authentic experience helps us to see their humanity. It helps us to see ourselves in one another. To witness someone else’s genuine emotion, and its pang of familiarity, is to know that we’re not alone.

Freedom is Free

We as humans are creative beings. We are all world builders, and whether we realize it or not, we help to build our world through our presence within it. Now more than ever, we have to let our light shine without fear. That means doing what makes us happy, it means stepping out of our fear, and into the light of our own self-love.

Allowing myself the freedom to create again has brought me back to a place of joy. It felt unnatural at first, and still, I feel the fear. I feel many things in a given day. I do my best to change my mindset because I’ve learned that tomorrow isn’t promised, and I deserve to be happy. We all do.

I never needed permission to create. There are no pre-requisites. No talent, no skill, and no reason required. Do what makes you happy, and if you want to, call it “art.” This is your world, and simply by expressing your unique creative power, you make it different; you make it better.

Once you let go of your fear, you’ll find your freedom. 🙂