I may never become a mother, and that’s okay.

I was raised in a big family, where my parents raised their kids alongside their own siblings. We were usually a bunch of cousins being told what to do by someone else’s mom. There were moments throughout my life, even recently, where my aunts, uncles, and grandparents have helped to mother me.

My grandma watched me my whole life while my dad worked, and with my parents being separated and sharing custody since I was 1-year-old, I was separated from my mom often.

Despite an imperfect childhood, I’ve been undeniably lucky. Whenever I was without my mother, others would stand in for her to fill that roll.

Maybe I made them my mothers. Could you imagine? Me assigning the role to people without asking permission first. I was kind of clingy as a kid… That could be what actually happened (energetically speaking at least)!

Still, I’m thankful because I’ve found a mom whenever I’ve needed one, in teachers, aunts, sisters, friends, friends’ parents, my stepfather, brother, cousins, and uncles too. All of these people have nurtured me. They’ve taught me. They’ve raised me. I’m lucky to say that I’m loved, by my mother and by others.

Mother Love is Infinite

There were times in my life when I’ve been separated or disconnected from my mother, especially when I was younger. I’ve suffered through phases of depression when I felt like I had no mother. During these moments, I turned to the divine feminine and Mother Earth.

Embracing the Earth as another mother figure was how I found the deep unconditional, love and nurturing that I felt too hopeless and deluded to ask for at the time. I found that in the moments when I was blocking out everyone and everything else, I could reconnect to Mother Earth and be reminded of my connection to spirit, and all other life on this planet.

When I was really down, this perspective is what helped me to get through it. Doing this has also helped me to realize that it’s okay to feel sad. It’s okay to feel hopeless. Lost. Numb. It’s okay to face our dark thoughts. Earth’s wheel never stops turning. Her flowers still bloom for us. We are not our thoughts. Even in those moments when we feel like we are only our shadow selves, we are loved. Our Mother’s love is infinite and unconditional.

Even in those moments when we feel like we are only our shadow selves, our Mother’s love is infinite and unconditional.

Feminine Facets of the Divine

Some witches honor their divine feminine through the Triple Goddess deity. This breaks the Divine Feminine into 3 phases: Maiden, Mother, and Crone. These are said to be aspects of the Goddess.

Associated with the phases and themes in a woman’s life cycle, the Maiden, Mother, and Crone phases can also be applied to the life cycle of any person who identifies with it. They are also associated with the phases of the moon when her light is waxing, full, or waning.

Maiden: Waxing Moon, Youth, Abundance, Vitality, Naivety, Learning, Growing

Mother: Full Moon, Creativity, Fertility, Nurturing, Responsibility, Strength, Building

Crone: Waning Moon, Time, Wisdom, Healing, Death, Endings, Beyond

I think that we all have a feminine side, despite our genders or our biologies. And we all go through these phases of growth, fertility (creativity), and death. These cycles happen repeatedly in short and long phases throughout our existence.

The Mother Goddess Mirror

On Mother’s Day, I am honoring my Mother, and the other mothers in my life, as I always do. This year what’s different for me, is that without taking anything away from the mom’s of the world, I’m beginning to see this day as an invitation to explore this Mother Goddess energy in my own life, as well.

As a human being, I’ve started aging out of my maiden years, and while I’m still young, I am just finally beginning to feel ripe. I may be a late bloomer. While I’m not hugely productive, lately I feel more alive with ideas. I wake up with more of an urge to create.

I see aspects of the mother archetype in the idea of reparenting and relearning how to treat my body, which is something that’s been coming up for me a lot lately as I’ve been more concerned with my health.

I’m also finding that as the wounds and abuses of my maidenhood heal, I’m reconnecting to my body in a way that makes me feel healthy and alive again. As I grow stronger, and my mind, body, and spirit continue to grow and heal, I am feeling initiated into this mother phase of my life.

I may not be fully there, but I’m moving into this energy. Especially as my self esteem and vibration continue to rise as I get older. Although we’re taught in our society to fear aging, and to worship youth and beauty, I’m not afraid, I’m honored.

Even though this existence can be so devastatingly painful, the wisdom we gain is so essential. Life experience has allowed me to self-soothe, and remind myself that things will be OK.

That’s what I’m learning as I enter into the mother phase of life. I’m moving on from being the crying child with the scraped knee, to the woman in a big skirt singing “sana, sana, colita de rana.”

I’m moving on from being the crying child with the scraped knee, to the woman in a big skirt singing “sana, sana, colita de rana.”

Aging is an empowering transition. The older I get, the more I recognize the greater lessons behind my suffering, as well. At this point, I can only look at aging as a gateway into greater power and a deeper understanding of life. I have no fear.

Forgiveness? In this economy?

Accessing this mother goddess energy, or feeling initiated into the mother phase of our lives is not the same as being an actual mother. I just want to state that, and honor the moms out there doing their own internal work, while also having to be an actual mother and caregiver to living beings. We are not the same, and I give full power and love to those moms.

Even if we sometimes forget, we must know that our moms are fully individual people, making their way through lives that are different from ours. All of the ubiquitous struggles, but with the added responsibility of child-rearing.

I’ve got no clue what it means to be a mother. It definitely seems magical, and complicated. My relationship with my own mom has shaped me and reshaped me, again and again. Our relationship feels symbiotic at times, and I find that I change and grow as she does. Are we connected? Well, I believe that we all are, so yes.

I’ve had such a complicated resentment towards my mom, especially in my late 20s. As I questioned my own ability or desire to become a parent, I had all of these ideas of what a mom should be, and because of my own experiences, my standards were impossible.

To view my mom as a human is easy. Compassion is easy to me. To actually stop holding onto her mistakes, and the pain attached, and to stop reliving it and tormenting myself with it, that has been the really hard work.

When I finally came to a place of forgiveness, I was shocked at the relief that I felt. The burden of holding a grudge was gone, and I was free. I initially approached my forgiveness as some incredible gift to my mom. Thinking I’d work on this and it would heal our relationship.

In actuality, it was a spectacular gift to myself. It gave me the freedom to enjoy her company and conversation again. It gave new life to our relationship, and allowed us to reach a more authentic level of communication.

There have been times in my life where I’ve been terrible to my mom, and there have been times when she has been terrible to me. There were times when I felt neglected by her. I still can’t help but have immense gratitude for her, and her helpers. (When I remember to, that is. Gratitude is tricky like that.)

I can’t change my experiences, and I can’t disregard how they hurt and shaped me. But I’m finally coming to the end of that “Maiden” phase of my life, where I’m fully understanding that while I can’t change it, the choice to dwell on it is mine.

Not The Mama

I may never become a mother, and that’s okay. Because I, myself, have had my own mother, and also many other mothers. I know from experience that not all moms are biological, or even necessarily women.

I also know from experience, that some mom’s aren’t perfect, and people can use any extra support that they can get. So I may never become a mother, and that’s okay. Maybe one day, I’ll be one of those “back-up” other-mothers for someone who needs it, instead.